Punk Rockers Furious Over Spears Announcement

Note: This blog post is completely satirical and is for an assignment. The photos are all public domain (so says my Professor, I think he’s secretly setting the entire class up). So enjoy.

29 March 2009 – NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Last week, Britney Spears announced that since having Bad Religion albums uploaded to her iPod, she has decided to “evolve as an artist.” The singer, having just released her post-breakdown break-out album Circus, will be going back into the studio to record what she considers a revolutionary achievement of her career, a Punk album.

While fans of Ms. Spears welcome this announcement with open arms, there are others still stuck in the 80’s who aren’t as happy. Despite the high price of gasoline and the limited spending budget of “old school” punk rockers, walls of fire erupted across the country.

Rockers using exploding gasoline tanks as a form of protest.

While police officials have been investigating just who has been setting up the massive explosions, there is one man who has been linked to the crimes. Mal Content (real name: Terry Jackson), runs the website ForeverPunk.com and recently has been publicly posting his severe discontent for the Spears announcement on his blog. ForeverPunk, the most popular of the remaining Punk websites, averages 40 hits per week and managed to somehow stir up a fervor across America. While no official charges have been pressed, investigators are still looking to tie ForeverPunk’s webmaster to the crimes. Mal Content sat down with YAY or NAY to elaborate on the allegations.

Mal Content's most current Facebook photo.

This is ridiculous! All I said was I can not believe an ex-Disney drone would dare try and sully the kind of music we grew up on! I may or may not have suggested that in order for Punk to stay pure, we should riot, but I never said anything about setting fires!

Officials have a few of the protesters in custody and they’ve all thrown Mal under the bus. “He said if we did it, he would be able to get the Dead Kennedys back together” mentioned one protester. Mal’s spheres of influence reach many of the punk rock circles and it’s no question that he may be behind the demonstrations.

Meanwhile, Mal’s son, Trent Vicious (real name: Sebastian Jackson), was caught by the press carting around propane tanks and beer to a nearby field down Double Church Road in Petronia, Alabama.

Trent, son of ForeverPunk.com's creator, caught on his way to protest.

Trent was stopped for questioning and could not explain his intentions. While not being able to be taken in for potential rioting, Trent Vicious was arrested for the sale of beer to children in the nearby elementary school.

Trent, caught without the elaborate makeup and hair, was arrested for the illegal sale of alchohol.

Since the arrest, previous protesters have been keeping a low profile after yesterday’s announcement of a lunatic Spear’s UberFan killing spree.

Terminator, bringing about our Salvation.

Movie poster for Terminator Salvation

Well, it’s all over the internets. Thats right ladies and gentlemen, the next trailer for Christan “The Damn Batman” Bale’s new movie has hit and let me tell you, i’m excited. Not just because it could possibly be passed for Transformers 3: Rise of Skynet but because i’m a sucker for the whole franchise. Yup, even the Sarah Conor Chronicles.

It actually looks like its going to be a very fun ride. After all, you cant get any worse than T3. I wonder if the rumors of Arnold appearing in this film are true. That would be the cherry on top.

My only concern is that in the trailers leading up to it’s May release, we may see too much of the movie.

Thoughts?

PWN or DIE – Cultivating the sexist nerds of tomorrow!

So I was over at PWNorDIE earlier and spotted a blog post with this as it’s title “22 of the Hottest Celebrity Women that Play Video Games.”

I sat there staring at the title for a little bit and thought to myself, really? What demographic is this supposedly attracting, and then it hit me, like a sack of old SNES controllers. Nerds, the ones who “can’t get girls”. Now I get it, every gamer’s dream is to have their girlfriend enjoy video games as well. Hell I love them and I keep trying to get my girlfriend to join in (i’ve already gotten her to like comics) but I dont force it upon her and it sure as hell isn’t a deal breaker.

Anyway, back to the main point. PWNorDIE is like the SpikeTV of online gaming sites. This blog however feels the need to point out which women play video games, and ranks them on a hotness scale. More and more i’ve actually been very surprised at how the gaming community has evolved. You only need to spend 3 seconds in a Halo 3 matchmaking lobby to understand what I mean. (if you haven’t been called a Homo, girl, or fag within those 3 seconds, consider yourself lucky). Also, in MMORPGS (World of Warcraft type games for the newbies. it stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games), lord help you if you have a girl avatar and may he protect you if you’re a girl playing a girl avatar. Ill admit, it must be hard for female gamers to truly enjoy themselves in the gaming world. Im sure they could do without the oogling and drooling.

Girls play games too, get over it.

TamiFAIL

Tamiflu not as strong as it used to be.

This is what happens when a drug is given out like candy to any schmo who walks into a doctors office with a sniffle. Because of doctors over prescribing this medication, a strain of influenza has become resistant to it, rendering it ineffective. Now Tamiflu is only one medication of a select few that is used to battle the flu and in one way, this mutation of the virus helps doctors try and figure out just how to combat the flu. I guess, this post isn’t so much against Tamiflu as it appears to be, but you know somewhere, somehow, someone is pushing this drug to be used by doctors, and its because of that, we’re down one medication that could save countless lives.

Viruses are scary. Their ability to adapt resistances to medications, multiply, and evolve make researchers the unsung heroes of the battle against them. Just do what I do, eat a whole lot of grapefruit and don’t shake hands with strangers.

WOODY’S BETTER SUITED FOR THE SCREEN

Woody Allen in print-NAY

Woody Allen is like the crazy great uncle I visit once a year during
summer and winter holidays, always ready with a new twist on the same
story he has been telling since I was a kid. I look forward to his
films, typically released during either season, with no new
expectations but with high anticipation nevertheless.

To make a far more sweeping affirmation, he is the godfather of
modern neuroticism, and his most loyal capos don’t care that he has
been ordering hits on the same topics – art, religion, sexuality,
psychology and NYC intellectuals – his entire career.

Last summer, Random House simultaneously published separate
collections of Uncle Woody/Don Allen’s prose pieces and long-form
essays – The Insanity Defense and Mere Anarchy, respectively – none
of which were adapted for the big screen.

Turns out his formulated ramblings, always acerbically comforting
like overspiked egg nog or sangria, are far more entertaining in
person than through the grapevine. Despite being, first and foremost,
a very prolific writer (at least one film a year for thirty years),
his words resonate better onscreen than on the page.

The selections in both books were all previously published, mostly in
The New Yorker, and are indeed unfailingly funny and gripping. The
Insanity Defense highlights Allen’s short works, including a
fictional deceased writer’s laundry list (“The Metterling Lists,”
1969) and an ardently ruthless lampoon of intellectualism (“The Whore
of Mensa,” 1974), probably the most inherently prevalent theme of
Allen’s oeuvre.

in Mere Anarchy, which comprises 18 of his longer essays, the reader
has a broader glance at Allen the person, especially in post-legend
pieces like “On a Bad Day You Can See Forever” (2000, The New Yorker)
about the trials renovating an Upper West Side townhouse. This piece
left me longing for a comprehensive memoir.

But in the end, these collections (which could have easily been
consolidated into one binding) are better suited for those unfamiliar
with Allen’s work. For the die-hards, its all the same musings and
rants, meticulously conceived as they may be, and you are left
imagining what his characters would look like in real life. We have
seen them all anyway, somewhere in Allen’s film canon.

At 72, Allen’s vision is darkening, and his recent film work,
thematically rife with crime, uncertainty and severity, suggests a
fundamental shift in his considerable world view. Skip the diary
retrospective and see Cassandra’s Dream instead.

Tyler.

Turns out, killing dinosaurs ain’t as fun as it used to be.

Turok- Nay

If you were as deeply involved with the N64 as i was when i was a child , you most likely rented a Turok game from Blockbuster at one point or another. Now, years later, Propaganda Games has let loose yet another sequel on the gaming world. Though i wish i could say much has changed, it really hasn’t. The graphics are great, but isn’t that the case with most Xbox 360 games? In this day and age, good graphics don’t set a game aside much.

A main boast of the trailers of this game is the ability to stealth kill your enemies ( be they Human or Dinosaur) with your trusty knife. Now this sounds like an exciting addition to the game, but after realizing that there are only 2 or 3 kill animations you may feel a little different. early on in the game you are instructed by a comrade to “Take out as many as you can with your knife before they notice you”, this line serves only for dramatic affect, because the AI would gladly let you run in and massacre 15 of its soldiers before they even
notice your existence. This game is not all bad, the actual control of your character is very tight, which is something i can appreciate in a shooter. Although what good is good control if it can only be used to
fight dim witted enemies and do the same knife kill sequence 40 or 50 times?

Online, Turok doesn’t bring much originality to the table, besides form the addition of free roaming dinosaurs. People seem to be relatively entertained by this game in general, which is surprising to me. If you ask me , your better off dusting off that old N64 and playing an older Turok game…or better yet, Goldeneye.

Happy Gaming,
Jeff

If you couldn’t tell, we aren’t fans of Dina Lohan.

Dina Lohan – NAY

NAY to Lindsay Lohan’s mother allowing her to take nude photos for New York magazine. Your daughter just got out of rehab and you think that it’s okay because the pictures look tasteful? Dina, you’re an idiot.
You’re an idiot because of the way you parade yourself around your daughter’s fame. You’re an idiot because you don’t think before you speak. And you’re an idiot because you are letting your daughter ruin her life. I’m sure those pictures are just going to make Lindsay more famous then she already is, but no desent mother would allow their child to pose nude as an iconic figure…especially since the path Lindsay is going is more than similar to what happened to Marilyn Monroe.

Laura

POSITIVE FEEDBACK FOR ‘NOISE’

The Rest is Noise – YAY

Whether out of rage or joy, Herbie Hancock’s album of the year Grammy win last week for River: The Joni Letterers incited many to pitch a fit. On one side: The academy snubbed the Foo Fighters, Gill, West and Winehouse for a traditional jazz artist – how out of touch are they? On the other: At last, a tribute to tradition, rather than to the hegemony of the Big Four conglomerates.

As a chronically disillusioned music fan who sees far more plastic carnations than red roses in the musical landscape, I am in the latter group. What a relief to see Grammy voters honor a chain of inspiration – Hancock to Mitchell to Guthrie to Coltrane to Mozart – in a seemingly endless era of assembly line “artists” inspired by the U.S. Mint.

The day after the Grammys, I picked up The Rest is Noise: Listening to the Twentieth Century (Farrar Straus Giroux, 2008) by Alex Ross, the chief music critic at The New Yorker, and in the spirit of Hancock’s victory, it is
excellent therapy for music zealots feeling abandoned by Judas and Zadok.

Set to the scores of mostly classical composers of the 1900s, Ross recounts one hundred years of Western history and music’s profound effect therein. Structured as a narrative, which even at 540 pages is passionate and comprehensive without being exhaustive, Noise makes a strong case for contemporary composers of all ilks.

Like all other things these days, corporately produced music is not built to last. As we delve deeper into the epoch of “four minute music” and further from the Beethoven concertos deep-seated in the earliest form of musical science, the threads of influence weaken and actual musical arrangement loses meaning.

But there is a reason artists like Thom Yorke and Bjork stand out (beyond swan dresses and fauxhawks), and it may have to do with their nods to time-tested composers like Messiaen and Strauss.

Alas, Ross says although timelessness in musicianship (or what it is perceived as) is moving further and further away from the ever tunneling mainstream vision, there are plenty of exceptions, though it requires some effort to find them, and innovation cum tradition will always win out.

Exhibit A: Hancock nabbing Album of the Year. Although the artistic merits and appeal of the other contenders cannot be sneered at, Hancock fused new traditionalists like Norah Jones and Corinne Bailey Rae with tried and true legends Leonard Cohen and Tina Turner for his salute to a similarly celebrated melodious poet, through a blues-tinged jazz lens. The award is a statement congruent with Ross’: lots of green doesn’t make you an evergreen.

Though not for everyone, The Rest is Noise is chicken soup for the souls of Grade A music fans and history buffs, and will bolster your aptitude for an increasingly arduous task: separating the splendor from the noise.

Tyler.

Supermodels are Superheroes. Duh.

DKNY – NAY

Even the ultra-cool Natalie Portman and her vegan shoe line can’t make fashion look even an iota intelligent. Sure, not everyone who claims to be part of the fashion industry is completely and utterly vapid or (totally) obsessed with image, but when Fashion Week dictates lives and adhering to unrealistic and often unhealthy standards of “beauty” is the only way to feel “good” about yourself, maybe “superficial” is a euphemism for other more insulting words. Point is, fashonistas, models and designers the world over are now jumping on the Go Green! bandwagon in an (futile) attempt to shed their ditsy image. If it’s not one trend, it’s another.

Here’s the deal: DKNY is getting their supermodels to demand an auto-free New York. Sounds great, but the execution is all wrong in that it’s obvious hypocrisy. I guess this means that all those fancy designers and models will be riding their bikes (and touching slimy subway poles) to showrooms and high-end business appointments. I’d love to see Donna Karen roll up to Fashion Week on her bike or off the M60, fully decked out in sweat stains because her super stretch limousine is out of the question. I’d also like to think that if you don’t eat a proper meal (and yes, I am implying super models), your bike ride down Avenue of the Americas to the Mercedes-Benz sponsored fashion show (how ironic) wouldn’t be so easy. That’s just biology.

The real knee-slapper here is that this DKNY mouthpiece thinks, “If supermodels can’t solve the world’s problems, then I don’t know who can.” This means that by chaining spray-painted bikes to locations around New York and by having models yak about the importance of this “humanitarian cause” (much thanks to Gothamist which was quick to point out that the bike idea had been done before), the world will be a better place.

Plus, DKNY’s pretty little bobble also reminded us: “You could take a cab and skip two meals, or you can ride a bike and skip one meal.” Yeah, take this broad’s advice.

Obviously, green is the new black.

Merci,
Lisa Marie

Zombie heads roll over MKR suit.

MKR Group – NAY

The MKR Group owns the copyright to the highly popular “Dead” films by George Romero. In an attempt to score another paycheck through lawsuits, the group is suing Capcom for copyright infringements in Capcom’s popular game “Dead Rising” for the XBox 360. Apparently the game is too similar to “Dawn of the Dead.”

Seriously? Thank god Capcom came back and said that “humans battling zombies in a shopping mall” is a “wholly unprotectible idea” under current copyright standards. I mean why not just go after the complete Resident Evil series. Or any series with zombies in it? I’m sure you could find some sort of comparison to Romero’s zombie flicks. Besides, if anything this game boosted temporary sales of “Dawn of the Dead” even though the box CLEARLY says it has nothing to do with the franchise. And also, Romero, love you to death but come on, “Land of the Dead”? That blew. Anyway, Capcom will prob come out on top, and if they don’t, thats sad so go buy Dead Rising while you can!