Note: This blog post is completely satirical and is for an assignment. The photos are all public domain (so says my Professor, I think he’s secretly setting the entire class up). So enjoy.

29 March 2009 – NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Last week, Britney Spears announced that since having Bad Religion albums uploaded to her iPod, she has decided to “evolve as an artist.” The singer, having just released her post-breakdown break-out album Circus, will be going back into the studio to record what she considers a revolutionary achievement of her career, a Punk album.

While fans of Ms. Spears welcome this announcement with open arms, there are others still stuck in the 80’s who aren’t as happy. Despite the high price of gasoline and the limited spending budget of “old school” punk rockers, walls of fire erupted across the country.

Rockers using exploding gasoline tanks as a form of protest.

While police officials have been investigating just who has been setting up the massive explosions, there is one man who has been linked to the crimes. Mal Content (real name: Terry Jackson), runs the website ForeverPunk.com and recently has been publicly posting his severe discontent for the Spears announcement on his blog. ForeverPunk, the most popular of the remaining Punk websites, averages 40 hits per week and managed to somehow stir up a fervor across America. While no official charges have been pressed, investigators are still looking to tie ForeverPunk’s webmaster to the crimes. Mal Content sat down with YAY or NAY to elaborate on the allegations.

Mal Content's most current Facebook photo.

This is ridiculous! All I said was I can not believe an ex-Disney drone would dare try and sully the kind of music we grew up on! I may or may not have suggested that in order for Punk to stay pure, we should riot, but I never said anything about setting fires!

Officials have a few of the protesters in custody and they’ve all thrown Mal under the bus. “He said if we did it, he would be able to get the Dead Kennedys back together” mentioned one protester. Mal’s spheres of influence reach many of the punk rock circles and it’s no question that he may be behind the demonstrations.

Meanwhile, Mal’s son, Trent Vicious (real name: Sebastian Jackson), was caught by the press carting around propane tanks and beer to a nearby field down Double Church Road in Petronia, Alabama.

Trent, son of ForeverPunk.com's creator, caught on his way to protest.

Trent, caught without the elaborate makeup and hair, was arrested for the illegal sale of alchohol.

Since the arrest, previous protesters have been keeping a low profile after yesterday’s announcement of a lunatic Spear’s UberFan killing spree.

Movie poster for Terminator Salvation

Well, it’s all over the internets. Thats right ladies and gentlemen, the next trailer for Christan “The Damn Batman” Bale’s new movie has hit and let me tell you, i’m excited. Not just because it could possibly be passed for Transformers 3: Rise of Skynet but because i’m a sucker for the whole franchise. Yup, even the Sarah Conor Chronicles.

It actually looks like its going to be a very fun ride. After all, you cant get any worse than T3. I wonder if the rumors of Arnold appearing in this film are true. That would be the cherry on top.

My only concern is that in the trailers leading up to it’s May release, we may see too much of the movie.

Thoughts?

So I was over at PWNorDIE earlier and spotted a blog post with this as it’s title “22 of the Hottest Celebrity Women that Play Video Games.”

I sat there staring at the title for a little bit and thought to myself, really? What demographic is this supposedly attracting, and then it hit me, like a sack of old SNES controllers. Nerds, the ones who “can’t get girls”. Now I get it, every gamer’s dream is to have their girlfriend enjoy video games as well. Hell I love them and I keep trying to get my girlfriend to join in (i’ve already gotten her to like comics) but I dont force it upon her and it sure as hell isn’t a deal breaker.

Anyway, back to the main point. PWNorDIE is like the SpikeTV of online gaming sites. This blog however feels the need to point out which women play video games, and ranks them on a hotness scale. More and more i’ve actually been very surprised at how the gaming community has evolved. You only need to spend 3 seconds in a Halo 3 matchmaking lobby to understand what I mean. (if you haven’t been called a Homo, girl, or fag within those 3 seconds, consider yourself lucky). Also, in MMORPGS (World of Warcraft type games for the newbies. it stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games), lord help you if you have a girl avatar and may he protect you if you’re a girl playing a girl avatar. Ill admit, it must be hard for female gamers to truly enjoy themselves in the gaming world. Im sure they could do without the oogling and drooling.

Girls play games too, get over it.

Tamiflu not as strong as it used to be.

This is what happens when a drug is given out like candy to any schmo who walks into a doctors office with a sniffle. Because of doctors over prescribing this medication, a strain of influenza has become resistant to it, rendering it ineffective. Now Tamiflu is only one medication of a select few that is used to battle the flu and in one way, this mutation of the virus helps doctors try and figure out just how to combat the flu. I guess, this post isn’t so much against Tamiflu as it appears to be, but you know somewhere, somehow, someone is pushing this drug to be used by doctors, and its because of that, we’re down one medication that could save countless lives.

Viruses are scary. Their ability to adapt resistances to medications, multiply, and evolve make researchers the unsung heroes of the battle against them. Just do what I do, eat a whole lot of grapefruit and don’t shake hands with strangers.

Woody Allen in print-NAY

Woody Allen is like the crazy great uncle I visit once a year during
summer and winter holidays, always ready with a new twist on the same
story he has been telling since I was a kid. I look forward to his
films, typically released during either season, with no new
expectations but with high anticipation nevertheless.

To make a far more sweeping affirmation, he is the godfather of
modern neuroticism, and his most loyal capos don’t care that he has
been ordering hits on the same topics – art, religion, sexuality,
psychology and NYC intellectuals – his entire career.

Last summer, Random House simultaneously published separate
collections of Uncle Woody/Don Allen’s prose pieces and long-form
essays – The Insanity Defense and Mere Anarchy, respectively – none
of which were adapted for the big screen.

Turns out his formulated ramblings, always acerbically comforting
like overspiked egg nog or sangria, are far more entertaining in
person than through the grapevine. Despite being, first and foremost,
a very prolific writer (at least one film a year for thirty years),
his words resonate better onscreen than on the page.

The selections in both books were all previously published, mostly in
The New Yorker, and are indeed unfailingly funny and gripping. The
Insanity Defense highlights Allen’s short works, including a
fictional deceased writer’s laundry list (“The Metterling Lists,”
1969) and an ardently ruthless lampoon of intellectualism (“The Whore
of Mensa,” 1974), probably the most inherently prevalent theme of
Allen’s oeuvre.

in Mere Anarchy, which comprises 18 of his longer essays, the reader
has a broader glance at Allen the person, especially in post-legend
pieces like “On a Bad Day You Can See Forever” (2000, The New Yorker)
about the trials renovating an Upper West Side townhouse. This piece
left me longing for a comprehensive memoir.

But in the end, these collections (which could have easily been
consolidated into one binding) are better suited for those unfamiliar
with Allen’s work. For the die-hards, its all the same musings and
rants, meticulously conceived as they may be, and you are left
imagining what his characters would look like in real life. We have
seen them all anyway, somewhere in Allen’s film canon.

At 72, Allen’s vision is darkening, and his recent film work,
thematically rife with crime, uncertainty and severity, suggests a
fundamental shift in his considerable world view. Skip the diary
retrospective and see Cassandra’s Dream instead.

Tyler.