Note: This blog post is completely satirical and is for an assignment. The photos are all public domain (so says my Professor, I think he’s secretly setting the entire class up). So enjoy.
29 March 2009 – NEW YORK, NEW YORK
Last week, Britney Spears announced that since having Bad Religion albums uploaded to her iPod, she has decided to “evolve as an artist.” The singer, having just released her post-breakdown break-out album Circus, will be going back into the studio to record what she considers a revolutionary achievement of her career, a Punk album.
While fans of Ms. Spears welcome this announcement with open arms, there are others still stuck in the 80’s who aren’t as happy. Despite the high price of gasoline and the limited spending budget of “old school” punk rockers, walls of fire erupted across the country.
While police officials have been investigating just who has been setting up the massive explosions, there is one man who has been linked to the crimes. Mal Content (real name: Terry Jackson), runs the website ForeverPunk.com and recently has been publicly posting his severe discontent for the Spears announcement on his blog. ForeverPunk, the most popular of the remaining Punk websites, averages 40 hits per week and managed to somehow stir up a fervor across America. While no official charges have been pressed, investigators are still looking to tie ForeverPunk’s webmaster to the crimes. Mal Content sat down with YAY or NAY to elaborate on the allegations.
This is ridiculous! All I said was I can not believe an ex-Disney drone would dare try and sully the kind of music we grew up on! I may or may not have suggested that in order for Punk to stay pure, we should riot, but I never said anything about setting fires!
Officials have a few of the protesters in custody and they’ve all thrown Mal under the bus. “He said if we did it, he would be able to get the Dead Kennedys back together” mentioned one protester. Mal’s spheres of influence reach many of the punk rock circles and it’s no question that he may be behind the demonstrations.
Meanwhile, Mal’s son, Trent Vicious (real name: Sebastian Jackson), was caught by the press carting around propane tanks and beer to a nearby field down Double Church Road in Petronia, Alabama.Trent was stopped for questioning and could not explain his intentions. While not being able to be taken in for potential rioting, Trent Vicious was arrested for the sale of beer to children in the nearby elementary school.
Since the arrest, previous protesters have been keeping a low profile after yesterday’s announcement of a lunatic Spear’s UberFan killing spree.